One month down. Forever to go.

It was a Saturday evening with the most beautiful sunset in the sky. I had made the decision to take Mom off of oxygen in order to let her go more naturally with no chance of prolonging the inevitable. Over the course of the previous five days, she had heard from all her children, a few of her grandchildren and had been prayed over by a friend. I asked my husband and children to FaceTime with me so that she could also hear their voices. 

Not even an hour later, at 11:40 pm on May 2, 2020, my beautiful momma entered the gates of heaven when she took her final breath. But before she did, she opened her green eyes and locked them with mine one final time. I told her again that it was okay to go and that Dad was waiting for her. And she smiled a lovely smile and was gone. It was so beautiful and peaceful. More than anything in the world, I’m thankful that I was with her in her last moments, holding her hand and cheering her on toward heaven.

There are so many things in my life that I haven’t done right. Or well. But loving her in the last two years of her life was one of my best and most important accomplishments. It was healing and comforting, and I have no regrets.

This first month without her has been anything but easy. I self-isolated in a hotel room for a little over a week, and then for another week at home in my bedroom. I couldn’t hug anyone out of fear of spreading Covid19. I planned her graveside service and wrote my eulogy. Her viewing and service came and went and looked absolutely nothing like I wanted it to look. People didn’t come out of fear. Flowers weren’t sent. My friends did show up for me and I’m forever grateful for them.

And now, just a month later, I feel some intrinsic pressure to move on and figure out who I am now without my eight year role as my parents’ caregiver. Even though I have known this day would come, I didn’t know how to prepare for it.

I’m working hard to sit in the grief when I need to, to live my life with joy when I can, and to reflect on the future when I have the energy.